Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dreaming Again......

I'm dreaming again....this time about running away....

do you ever feel like the place you inhabit is not made for you. Deep down inside you feel that its another place out there for you, a place where you can be free. Be tomorrows......time doesn't exist in this place....neither does is all there is....

Its beautiful. You should see it....this is my nirvana...this isn't fiction or a fairy tale...this is where I am when I'm sleeping....when I'm dreaming.....but never when I'm awake.

This is intransia.

The world that I live in when I'm awake is a world of sorrow, hatred, and injustice.....there's beauty, fairness, and love within as well but not enough to sustain it from its own destruction.Maybe this is the nature of it....maybe I'm not from here because I don't feel like everyone else...I don't think or see things like everyone else....that doesn't mean that everyone else perspective/perception is wrong. It just means that mine is different...

Nothing more...nothing less....there is not a need for others to agree with me or share the same thoughts...just accept me for who I am and how I feel.

I don't expect to be understood by everyone... I could care less what anyone thinks

I want freedom...true freedom......and I will have it soon....

Monday, December 22, 2008

Heartbreak Chronicles Part 4: The Killer

If there's no hope just straight tell me..
Kill me now without any regard for our friendship
Maybe I need to die again to realize again...the mistake I've made

How could I give u the power to put a bullet to my head... for without you I am better off dead.

End my misery by telling me its over. Who knows if I'll survive the shot..
I've bled before but not like this.....
Would have pulled the trigger myself but I've realize that alive you've brought me bliss.
Now you hold the decision to pull the trigger...
This isn't Russian roulette
But the 6 chamber pistol of regret...
And as I sweat not only tears, the fear is not in dying but lying here crying

knowing that the one who was suppose to love me is now the one to murder me..............

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Simplest Necessity........Becomes

Where did the love go?

And why didn’t it stay?

What are we chasing that’s real compared to what we’re chasing away?

It seems that our hearts have become resistant to the one true thing that’s vital to our growth. The simplest necessity becomes the most complex luxury that very few benefit from obtaining and keeping for long. Its seems that love started off as the most tranquil desire only to end up becoming the most painful affliction. So what is it that allows us to fall into a deep state of bliss and then in an instant change how we feel because of fear. The fear based upon the assumption that the love we gain will someday be lost…..traumatically….again…..

Yet we don’t know……

We allow ourselves to suffer thinking about what isn’t there instead of what’s here today, very much alive and in our face…..

I can’t make you change your mind if its already been made and I can no longer overexert myself on proving what’s real.

Time will tell.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Love Vibration

The integral part of life that’s been missing lately is what we need indeed. Humans have been infected by a parasite, a parasite that feeds on its victims until they become hollow and soul-less, empty cavities with just a shell. It has the nature of a virus that plaques many.

What can be done about this epidemic of hatred?

There’s no longer a vibration. The light that once existed is slowly vanquishing. Could we really thrive, let alone survive within perpetual darkness? What has become of us? We’ve become heartless without gain, placing strain on ourselves and others for the purpose of “advancement” The “hatred complex” has taken over our hearts, our minds, and sadly our lives. Opinions are no longer opinions. They’re no longer statements of our individualism but simply attachments to our ego.

“I hate you”
“I hate her”
“I hate him”
“I hate them”

“You hate yourself”

We are all the same don’t you get it? The same blood runs through our veins. The same thoughts occupy our minds. The same unlimited potential runs through each and every single one of us. So why HATE? What do you gain from hating someone who shares the same capabilities as you? Are we not talented and valuable the same? No? Whose opinion is that anyway? Exactly! Yours. You become what you believe and if you don’t take yourself to greater places from where you’re standing then perhaps the only thing holding you back is yourself. Destroy that self doubt and fear that you feel from seeing others achieve greatness for you too can achieve that same greatness. You must love yourself like there’s no greater love.

You must love others the same.
Release the virus of hate from your mind, body, and soul.

Take the antidote……..

HeartBreak Chronicles Part 3: The Lost

Without You Why Do I feel Lost?
With you Why Do I Feel The Same.

I've become someone else in order to please you

I have to regain myself.

I've lost much more than I have gained
and experienced much pain than I can explain

Was the act of loving you in vain?

If not, then what was I to learn from this turmoil.....this heartbreak........this pain.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Garden Within

The beauty of Nature. The tranquility of something simple yet divine. I've came to a realization that both inner and outer suffering is driven by both inner and outer complexities. True Genuis resides in simplicity. Anything considered to be trivial or senseless, Mr. Carter is going to stay away from. Everyday I'm learning more about myself from my experiences and interactions with the world. I see and read about things that go on in this world; things that are unjust, irrational, or just plain idiotic. I also realize that I have to change my thoughts within in order to change my world without. Life is.....Life and somewhere along the line between birth and now, I've lost focused on what the true meaning of life is. I've put too much emphasis on the vines and weeds of the outer world, forgetting that all along my inner world contained a garden, perfect in nature, aesthetically sound. It feels good to just relax and breath without worry or fear. Its feels wonderful to be Me, to express how I feel and know that I am a beautiful creation.............

and so are you....

Monday, December 15, 2008


Spaced Out. Dreaming. Floating.
Outside This Atmosphere of Earth
In Search...
Of Something More Inspiring Than This...
For This Environment No Longer Offers Me Bliss

I've Realized the Dilemma to Rationalize
Chance after Chance

Only to realize that the "other side"
holds the key to my "advance"

No Longer a Need For Reasoning.

{Just Go.....) whispers my conscience in my ear
And as I stand here, what appears before me is the light to soar me
to places beyond....

places foreign yet considered to be fond.

Now some may call this insane, but crazy is to think that "normal" resides on this "earthly plane"

And as I arise, my eyes peer upward, never to face the downward spiral


Sunday, December 14, 2008

Heartbreak Chronicles Part 2: The Healing

Shit happens. Right?

So why is it that I'm still hurting from what happen 10 months ago on that dreadful day when she said, " I need space, its not you its me." I realize that since that day I'm became a self destructive emotional wreck but not many would know because I never show it. Initially I've tried to get "her" to change her mind. I've begged, I've pleaded, I apologized, and blamed myself. I became less of a person, less of a man to make "her" more of a woman. I eventually said f*ck it and moved on after witnessing certain things that brought the "I need space syndrome" to light. I've seen "her" with the guy, even had a face to face confrontation with "him." I've felt betrayed, used, and hurt from this experience. They say that the amount of time you've invested in building a relationship that collapsed is the same amount of time it takes to rise from the the collapse back to a foundation again. I know it wont take me 3.5 years to get it together but from this I've learned to take one day at a time and if someone comes along, maybe I will cautiously give them a chance but until then.....

I've become heartless

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Gift

We hear it all the time so I'll say it again

Life is a precious gift...the one thing that's temporal but also unappreciated the same. I'm discovering everyday that some things that we put emphasis and importance on really don't matter..Do you wonder what you would do if you knew you only had one day to live? Could you accomplish all you wanted to do in one day if that was all you had? What about a week? A Month? 6 months? A year? The fact is we don't know and because we don't know, we must make the most of everyday while we are here.

When you hear people say to live everyday like its your last, some people adhere to it while with others it goes in one ear and out the other but the reality is tomorrow's not promised for anyone and you wouldn't want your final days to be those of regret now would you? Of course not! So if this be the case why continue to work at that lousy job you hate, endure unnecessary stress and headaches, stay in an abusive relationship, or worry about things or people who don't benefit you. I can go on forever but the basis of what I'm saying is that
We should seize every opportunity that gives us fulfillment, brings us happiness, and makes us smile. We should never procrastinate or feel like we have plenty of time left to make things right, to get ourselves together, to seek fulfillment, and most important of all, to be happy.. The perfect time for these things is not tomorrow..... but now. Right now! We must be aware of the moment of now and embrace it because this may be..... the last moment we have.......
to right the wrongs,
to tell someone you love them,
to fulfill all that you desire....

"Life is precious through the eyes of those who see that the end of it is near"

I dedicate this post to my cousin Debbie.... may you truly be at peace in a much better place.........